This week, an article on Asian style parenting appeared on the Wall Street Journal, entitled ‘Why Chinese Mothers are Superior‘ – it is written by Amy Chua, a professor of law at Yale University. Naturally a lot of controversy surrounded her article/book, which is about parenting the Asian way. (see her response here).

I am not a parent but this article struck me as frankly, very 7 Killings in its style and nature. (and since I write, I am quite well versed with the art of reading in between the lines of most people’s essays and writings to decipher true intent, and again, I see much 7 Killings at work). Of course, I firmly disagree with her mentality of parenting (although what can I say – I don’t have this issue) and I actually think she’s a nutjob.  (her face gives away a lot about her too, more than she realises, which I why I am convinced she’s a psycho mom).

That being said, I have had a lot of experience being in a room with parents and kids in the context of a BaZi consult, and also having had the opportunity to do C-section date selections for parents.

Ms Chua’s idea is that discipline is good, and children need to be pushed to excel or they won’t. As a BaZi consultant, I utterly and totally disagree with that viewpoint because not every child

a) needs discipline of that harsh a level where you go to war with them over playing the piano. Yes, in some instances, you do need to adopt a 7K approach because the child’s chart requires that. But that’s not EVERY CHILD. So strike one against her absurd concept that her method of parenting is either somehow superior or just right. BaZi actually sides with the Western mindset which is every child is an individual and so has to be treated as per their unique personality. (of course, not every child is equally special – some kids are destined to have a frankly, ordinary or mediocre at best outcome in life and this is something parents need to accept).

b) Children need to be pushed to excel or they won’t. Again, BaZi disproves this. True, encouragement, even a measure of discipline is required in any environment but using the Rob Wealth approach, the Direct Officer approach or the Direct Resource approach can work to ‘instill disicipline’ but through different methods.

I know some parents who BaZi on the premise that they want to “understand” their children better. Frankly, most of the time, that’s in my opinion, a white lie (or at least only a small part of the motivation). Some parents genuinely want to know how to handle their kids, but most of them are essentially looking for a competitive advantage. They want to attempt a ‘guided democracy’ and they think that BaZi will give them the information on how to best get their kids to do what they believe is best or enable them to justify their ambitions that have been vicariously foisted on their kids.  I have been in consult rooms where parents have ‘hinted’ that I should tell their children or guide their children along a particular career path. Well, what rotten luck they got a BaZi consultant who has a decidedly Hurting Officer style of doing things.

Not all Asian parents are like her. I meet a lot of open-minded parents as well who are more ‘Western’ in their thinking and would be open to playdates and drama classes and who want to give their child the best of the East-West approach. But what BaZi tells us is that there is no winning formula – East or West or both, may work, but it all DEPENDS on the child.

I get parents to send their kids to drama class because I want to bring out the Hurting Officer Star in them because it will help them in their future/their career. Playing a musical instrument does qualify as expressive but I make it a point to emphasis to the parents that the purpose should not be COMPETITIVE or for the purposes of developing the skill, but for the PLEASURE OF IT. And I make it a point to emphasis that it should be something the kid is interested in, not what mommy and daddy wished they had a chance to learn when they were growing up.

And some kids need playdates – what if they need the Rob Wealth Star? What if isolation is not favourable to them because they need the Rob Wealth Star? What if games are good for them to develop their Rob Wealth or 7 Killings Stars?

Frankly, I’m very interested to take a look at Ms Chua’s chart. I am sure it will reveal a highly competitive personality (she is one of 4 sisters, which suggests RW will probably be quite strong or prominent in her chart) although 7 Killings can also give rise to this kind of competitiveness. She states (cf. Wikipedia) she is a workaholic who is not very good at enjoying life – means Direct Wealth is probably very strong (most likely carrying with it Direct Officer) and Direct Resource is lacking (hence, not a patient personality at all, and thin skinned – meaning, wants face – explains the obsession with children doing well). Her response also smacks of someone with a Direct Resource issue, and also, a 7 Killings approach to doing things (disclaiming she didn’t chose the title when the article was written by her strikes me as a bit…far fetched, especially given that she is a renown Academic – most publications will afford someone like that the respect of at least being able to TITLE their own article).

This is part of the equation that many parents tend to forget. It is not about whether or not your kid is a genius – it’s whether you have the capacity to handle a genius kid. Parents who complain about difficult kids forget to ask if they are shitty parents (yes, there are parents who are crappy parents, based on their chart). It’s like people who complain they have lousy staff – they forget that the reason they have lousy staff to begin with, it because in their chart, they have a lousy staff star. So guess what? It’s not your kids (or your staff or your maid’s) fault that they’re not up to your expectations, because well in your chart, they were never supposed to be that amazing in the first place.

The point I’m getting at here is that BaZi tells us that everyone is unique and an individual. And there are different methods (stick vs carrot, patience vs pressure) that work on different people and children in different ways. But they can only go as far as what their chart says they can be, and expecting more than that is absurd. If at the end of the day, your child’s chart says they will have a fantastic career as a film star – I can bet I’ll have a parent who says – err, can’t it be something else?

Would they rather a mediocre career in a field that suits their ideals, or a stellar success in a field that does not meet their aspirations?

Also see

– Nature vs Nurture – a BaZi perspective

– Kiddie Konsult