I’ve been meaning to write a follow up to my Wedding Date Selection Blues article for two reasons: one reader commented that whilst it was interesting, they didn’t quite ‘get it’, and because I have noticed a lot of searches landing here from people looking for wedding dates/Chinese Almanac wedding dates.

It would be safe to assume that a number of those searches are looking for a ‘free answer’. Hey, that’s what the Internet is right? One big free information repository.

Unfortunately, there aren’t that many websites which offer a good, free Chinese Almanac/Farmer’s Calendar (Tong Shu in Mandarin, Tung Seng in Cantonese) in English. Try here if you are looking for a reliable, paid one.

Please note the Chinese Almanac is to be distinguished from the Ten Thousand Year Calendar (Wan Nian Li or Man Leen Lik in Cantonese). Yes, the Chinese and their bloody calendars…but one can’t help but marvel at their genius as well!

Anyway, sticking to the topic at hand….

If you are prepared to go on good faith (or if it really doesn’t interest you if the date is good, you just want to get rid of your nagging mother-in-law to-be’s questions on this matter) with the various free online Almanacs out there which offer up dates (most actually require you to enter the information in advance rather than letting you search for a good date), then your problem is solved!

Unfortunately, human beings being the way they are, and the Internet being what it is, there is a measure of skepticism, or a sense of ‘not good enough’, when it comes to a computerised free date.

Some people want MORE than just a good date.

They want it to be a good date for them (based on their animal year).
And it would be nice if it was also a week-end thank you.
And preferably coincides with when they met.
Or went on their first date.
Or had their first anniversary as a couple.
Or that faithful day when she finally realised he was her Prince Charming (and vice versa).

As the Chinese are apt to say, ‘peng, leng, cheng‘ – cheap (free better!), nice and good. When it comes to free information, to infinity and beyond is what most of us want.

People may be searching the Net for other reasons besides trying to find out a free answer. It may also be the case that some of them are willing to pay for the answer, but simply DO NOT have access to someone who can actually help them with this, even if they have all the money in the world to pay. It maybe that they do not have access to individuals (think family grandma, or neighbourhood astrologer) who are able to provide these services or who know how to read the Tong Shu or Chinese Almanac and thus afford them a date selecting service. Or it might simply be that they have no idea where to begin looking for a person qualified to actually select a date for them (assuming the astrologer for some reason doesn’t know how to do it). I mean, it’s a legit question.

WHO PICKS DATES?

Do you see the Feng Shui fella? Or the Astrology person? Or is there a person who only does Date Selections?

The answer is it depends on what you want the date for.

A Feng Shui consultant in theory should know how to select dates, but they are better for things like moving into a new house or new office, or selected a date for burial. The Astrologer/BaZi consultant/Zi Wei Dou Shu consultant in theory would be the right person to ask for a date relating to marriage. There are Date Selection sifus or specialists, and they definitely will be able to do a marriage date selection.

As an aside, it is a fallacy that everyone who can read Chinese can read the Tong Shu. You may be able to read the characters, but you are not always necessarily able to select dates or figure out how the Tong Shu works, or how date selection is done. You actually have to learn how to do this. I don’t read anything beyond very basic Chinese but I can read a BaZi chart and select dates.

So don’t feel bad if you can’t read Chinese – it doesn’t mean nuts as far as Metaphysics goes. And just because Grandma or Thirteenth Aunt can read Chinese, and owns a Tong Shu, doesn’t mean that they know what they’re doing when it comes to selecting a good date. They need to know BaZi too!

Anyway, in this article, I’m going to do my best to throw some light on the subject of selecting a date for getting hitched. With the caveat: I will not provide any dates here. So if you were looking for a short easy answer, erm, sorry, no need to read on.

But I will tell you how to FIND one although this is strictly for the non-faint-hearted since I’m a stickler for the idea that if you want to do something, DO IT PROPERLY.

It is TILL DEATH DO YOU PART after all.

Before I get to the serious stuff, let’s first establish some of the basics about Wedding Date Selection that most people are unaware off. And yes, ignorance of some of these ground rules extends to your great-aunt twice removed who has always done date selections for the family and some of your corner shop astrologers. They obviously mean well, but that doesn’t mean they’re not wrong ya?

Which date counts in the eyes of The Qi?

Wedding Dinner Date vs Legal Marriage Date

This is expansively discussed in Joey Yap’s book ‘Personal Date Selection’ but I’ll reiterate and elaborate if I can here. When it comes to Date Selection, the Legal Marriage Date is the date that matters. The legal marriage date is defined as the date when the marriage is formalised in the eyes of THE LAW. In short, when you sign a piece of paper that the state makes you sign, to sanction your marriage as legal and valid.

Each country calls it something different. But the key is that if the activities of the day involve the creation of a LEGAL RELATIONSHIP of MARRIAGE.

I will get on to customary marriages in a bit ( the common law spouses and non state-sanctioned gay unions I may have to save for another day) but let’s stick to the situations where you need to sign a marriage register, or marriage certificate, or any form of paper that defines you and you Other Half as Man and Wife. Sometimes this takes place in a religious institution – for example, some couples will have a church service, and then sign the register on that day. Some Buddhist couples have a Buddhist blessing, and then sign the marriage register or marriage certificate in the temple. In both these instances, the date of the blessing + signing is regarded as the LEGAL MARRIAGE DATE.

So the date that COUNTS, as far as the Date Selection goes, is the LEGAL MARRIAGE DATE. And this is the date that you need to ensure is a GOOD DATE.

Now, some brides like to have everything all over and done with in one day. So they have the LEGAL MARRIAGE DATE coincide with the WEDDING BANQUET DATE. Okay, then you kill two birds with one stone by ensuring you select one good date for everything. But let’s say you plan to spread out the festivities, by having one day for your LEGAL MARRIAGE procedure (signing registry, marriage certificate, marriage license) and another day for your WEDDING BANQUET.

In this case, you only need to pick a good date for your LEGAL MARRIAGE procedure. You can have the wedding banquet WHENEVER THE HELL YOU WANT! Sunday, Friday, any day as the song goes. Because as far as Date Selection goes, a WEDDING BANQUET is just a party. It’s not an event of any significance beyond social significance. Okay, some old foggies say people don’t recognise you as married until you’ve had the banquet. But as far as Date Selection goes, what counts is when you sign that piece of paper.

Not when you cut the cake and YAM SEEEEEENNNNNG till the cows come home.

To summarise it in simple point form:

• The date when you and your spouse-to-be create a legal relationship with each other is the date that matters. This means, you sign a piece of paper that recognises you are married to each other and get all the attendant tax benefits from being ‘Mr and Mrs’
• If the marriage ceremony takes place in a house of worship, or involves a religious ceremony, but NO LEGAL PROCEDURE, then it is not considered the LEGAL MARRIAGE DATE. (you may want to select a good date for the blessing as well, but technically this is a plus)
• If the marriage ceremony takes place in a house of worship or involves a religious ceremony and ALSO includes a legal procedure, then consider that the LEGAL MARRIAGE DATE.
• If the marriage ceremony takes place in a house of worship or involves a religious ceremony, and in your country, the law recognises such marriage ceremonies as creating a legal relationship, then consider this date the LEGAL MARRIAGE DATE.
• If the wedding banquet is NOT on the same day as the Legal Marriage proceedings, then the date is NOT RELEVANT.

Now that we have established WHICH DATE matters, let’s talk about how you can go about getting a good date.

Do you have the ATTITUDE and COMMITMENT to a Good Date for Marriage?

Are you really keen to get a good date, and are you really committed to the idea of wanting to have a good date for your Legal Marriage procedure?

I ask this question because the fact is the Chinese Almanac does not give two hoots whether or not the good dates fall on weekends, or other days/dates which are historically significant or personally convenient to you. It has good dates on all days of the week, Monday to Sunday, and if you are willing to compromise a little, it is NOT HARD to get a good date. (we’ll get to the REALLY GOOD DATE in a bit).

The problem is most couples who want to get married are actually not willing to compromise a little. Do any of these sound familiar?

“I want my wedding anniversary to be on the same day as when we met”
“I want to get married in church and the only day that is available is day x”
“I want to get married on a day when all my friends can attend the ceremony, which means it has to be a Saturday or Sunday”

Or, the view is that the date only needs to be ‘Good’ but does not need to be ‘Really Good’ so can it just be around the one of the weekends, in September and can the time be in the morning only?

What the heck is a ‘Good but not Really Good’ date? It is either BAD, GOOD or REALLY GOOD.

In all these instances, and thousands more scenarios that are essentially a variation of these scenarios, the couple are NOT interested in a good date. They are interested in a good date only in so far as it is CONVENIENT.

Now, lest I am accused of being dogmatic about the subject, there are MANY WAYS around the little problems outlined above. As the Good Date only matters in so far the signing of the papers goes, you need not really change anything. The banquet can go on on the date you want. You can get married in church on the date you want either (as long as it’s just a religious ceremony and that religious ceremony is not legally significant, unlike say, customary marriages).

The only stipulation is that you compromise an sign off on your marriage on a certain day, at a certain time. And if you cannot be arsed to do that, then well, you’re not sufficiently interested enough in having a good day for your marriage.

To which, I would recommend that you SIMPLY NOT BOTHER.

Do not waste the time of the Date Selection consultant or waste your money.

Yep, because clearly in this case, the reason for obtaining the good date is likely to just be to shut up some tiresome relative who is superstitious about these matters, and probably cannot tell if the date is good or not really. So you should just find the cheapest bearded fortune teller in town, ask him for a date, pay him, and then go back and announce the date that you and your to-be-spouse have chosen, is ‘OKAY’ according to him.

Easy. Why go through so many hoops when it doesn’t matter to you?

The only other reason why people ask for a date with no intention of actually using one when a GOOD DATE is given to them is because they are simply covering their bases. The Good Date is what I call a “It Would Be Nice” check-box on their wedding To-Do list.

To which I would again recommend that you SIMPLY NOT BOTHER.

Do not waste the time of the Date Selection consultant or waste your money.

Just go with the date that you wanted to use. Ignorance is Bliss. What you don’t know, won’t technically hurt you (Bazi consultants of course will beg to differ – a good date can help if your relationship is likely to be rotten in the future, based on your chart).

If you are prepared to make a small compromise (and this is where the whole thing about Bridezillas comes out presumably), then accommodating your personal wishes for your wedding, and covering your Astrological and Metaphysical ass, oops, base, is not hard.

Wedding Date Selection 101 (Part II) will cover What is a Good Date, and a Really Good Date and how to get yourself one of them Good and Really Good Dates